


Fix you

by Sannek



Series: Fix you [1]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Grief/Mourning, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-12
Updated: 2019-04-12
Packaged: 2020-01-12 08:35:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18442910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sannek/pseuds/Sannek
Summary: Officially I’m on medical leave. Unofficially I’m, well. I don’t know. Emotionally compromised.Devastated.---Kirk's caught in his grief for Spock after the Vulcan's sacrifice at the end of "The Wrath of Khan"





	Fix you

**Author's Note:**

> This one's a short one. I needed to get some stuff off my chest, so that's what came of it.  
> Catharsis.

*

 

 

**

 

The pain is all encompassing. It seems that I _am_ the pain.

Even getting burned alive and then sucked into the vast blackness of space to have your eyes explode couldn’t be that painful. It would end. As soon as your nerves refused to send your brain’s signals and your cells all began to die it would end.

Over.

My agony isn’t over yet. It has just begun.

I pace the length of my cabin once more. I don’t know how often I already walked the distance in the last hour. Door to divider and back. Door. Divider. Door. Divider.

It is tiring.

But as soon as I stop pacing, it all comes back full force.

I somehow already knew what I was going to find when I followed Bones’ urge to come down to engineering.

“Jim, I think you’d better get down here.”

Such an innocent phrase.

And then I found myself kneeling in front of the radiation chamber. To watch Spock die.

“Do not grieve, Admiral.”

One of the last things he said to me.

And how the hell should I do that?

The thick blanket of hopelessness around my heart reveals a patch of tight, hot, burning anger. I feel like screaming. I want to hit something. Someone.

If Khan weren’t already dead, I’d kill him with my bare hands.

How dare he take Spock from me?

The pain flares again, tightening my chest, making it hard to breath. I open my mouth and let my head sink to my chest. I wish I could cry but there is nothing inside me anymore.

Spock, so it seems, took it all with him.

I am at the door once more. I look at it, remember the countless times it opened to reveal Spock. Spock, face serious. Spock with an amused glint in his eyes. And very rare, Spock with unguarded, open affection in his gentle eyes.

I remember all the years we served together. So many close calls. But we always made it. In my mind I allowed myself to think of Spock as invincible. That is how reality crushes me now. This is really happening to me.

I put my hand on the door.

Breathing is getting hard again.

I wish I’d told him.

Every meld we shared, I sensed his affection towards me. As I’m sure he did mine.

But I never did anything about it. I always thought it’d be alright somehow.

I always thought there was more time.

The melds.

Slowly, I realize I’m never going to join my mind with anybody again. A new wave of pain washes over me at the realization.

I lean my head against the door.

I’m cold.

 

*

 

I’m awake again but I try not to be.

As long as I keep my eyes shut, I can pretend it all was a bad dream.

But I can’t stay in bed forever. Today we’ll take our last readings of the Genesis planet and then break orbit and head back to Earth.

In between there will be Spock’s service.

I try not to think about it.

Instead I think about going home.

I don’t want to be grounded on earth again. Earth has been difficult the last years. I bet it will be even more now.

My thoughts stray again.

I remember the happiness I felt when V’ger brought Spock back to me from Gol. Or so I’d thought.

I remember my quite horror at discovering that the Spock who’d boarded the Enterprise to help our fight with V’ger was not the man I’d known.

I remember the pure, unbridled joy I’d felt when Spock was back to the Spock I’d known. When slowly the old camaraderie we’d always had started to grow anew. I’d been so happy.

But it didn't last too long.

Before I knew it, I was back at Operations at Starfleet HQ. While Spock was sailing the stars as captain of the Enterprise. The first two years on random missions and then in training tours, the Enterprise crammed full with cadets as her crew.

Well at least we talked regularly over subspace transmission during that time.

But nevertheless. I missed him. Badly.

And again, I resented my job.

But I was still good at it. I did the same I had done after Spock had fled to Gol. I tried to quell my yearning for the stars and Spock with extra shifts and extra workloads.

But all to no avail. It still hurt. Not to have the stars. Not to have Spock.

Now it seems that life enjoys being a certain nasty shade of cruel to me.

Just thirteen days back in time I got to have him back!

Not even two weeks!

Now he’s gone.

Forever.

I open my eyes to stare at the ceiling.

It all doesn’t matter anymore. This is my life now. Somehow I’ll have to pull through.

 

*

 

It’s somewhere around midday ship’s time. I don’t want to check the actual time.

Some time still left before Spock’s service.

I’m restless again.

Bones set me at liberty to be wherever I want to be.

Officially I’m on medical leave. Unofficially I’m, well. I don’t know. Emotionally compromised.

Devastated.

I leave my guest quarters and walk to stand before Spock’s cabin door.

The captain’s quarters have not yet been reassigned even though Zulu is now officially captain. Even though I still outrank him which means I’m still in command of the Enterprise.

But this is not how I wanted to be captain of the Enterprise again.

For a moment I think about buzzing on Spock’s door. I don’t even know why.

“Illogical.”

I hear his voice in my head and it nearly undoes me.

So I just key in my override and step in.

It’s all as Spock left it. Tidy and clean.

The red tapestry on the wall gives the room a welcoming gleam. The sparkling, glimmering play of the low lights on the tiny beads woven into it somehow make it seem alive and breathing.

I want to rip it down.

I move through the room to sit on Spock’s bed.

I put my head in my hands and stare at the floor.

There still aren’t any tears I could shed.

There’s only this big, ugly _thing_ inside me, eating me alive. Eating my soul.

Curious, how I got to see Spock weeping a few times. Spock of Vulcan who claimed he didn’t have any emotions.

And now here I come.

All human. A fine specimen of my kind when it comes to all the ugly shades of humanness. Whatever you want to have – selfishness, arrogance, recklessness – I got it.

Nonetheless I’m unable to cry for the loss of my friend.

The best friend that I have. Had.

Maybe the love of my live.

Suddenly I can’t breathe.

I got to get out of here.

 

*

 

It’s Spock’s service.

And damn me if I’ve ever done anything, _anything_ , as devastatingly painful as finding the right words to express what I’ve just lost.

It’s tearing me apart.

“Of all the souls I have encountered in my travels,” I hear my self say, “his was the most… human.”

“There is no need to insult me, captain.” I hear his voice in my head.

It’s my undoing.

Suddenly the tears come.

Just there, as I watch the coffin pass slowly by.

For each and every one of my crew to see, I cry for Spock.

I try to breathe but there seems to be something stuck in my throat. I try to clear it away, to swallow around it, but the tightness stays.

And then it’s over.

Spock’s body is gone.

He has found his last rest on Genesis.

As much as he’d most likely deny it, he’d probably like it.

I smile and cry at the same time.

It hurts.

 

**  
*

 

 

 

 

*

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: I don't own any of Star Trek or its characters. I don't gain any profit by writing my stories.


End file.
